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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It annoys my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.